Rugged Opinions

Kickstarter Disaster: HidrateMe

by Unacomn on July 8, 2015

You’ve been drinking water wrong your entire life.

Introducing HidrateMe, Bottle of 1st World Problems.

Hi. Have you ever had the trouble of not being hydrated enough? I’m not talking about being caught in the middle of the Atacama Desert without water, in most of Europe at this moment during the daylight hours or in Saharan Africa; No!

Unbeknownst to you, there is another insidious danger that plagues humanity’s thirst for ….hydration. One that has been for too long overlooked, and maybe even hidden, lobbied in favor of by Big Thirst! But no more! Hidrate, Inc, is here to save you, me and everyone else in the First World, for it has come up with a new innovation that will do away with thirst and proper English spelling for all time. Provided you already have access to clean drinking water… and have it with you, like, you’re carrying it in your hand, in a bottle. But not just any bottle, a SmartBottle.

HidrateMe, named after the wildly successful and beloved WindowsME, is a brand new innovation in technological innovation. Yes, it’s so innovative we used the word four times already for no reason whatsoever.

This incredible device not only allows you to store water in it, like a regular bottle, but also comes equipped with a sensors and an app, that you can put on your iPhone, which will track your water intake and remind you to drink regularly.

Yes! Finally a solution for that pesky problem we all have with chapped lips and mild headaches. Technology has finally provided us with a cure for the genetic condition that 200 thousand years ago wiped out the entire human race, because, as we all know, they were all, like, too busy walking out of, like, Africa, to um… notice, like they were, um… thirsty, and all, like died of dehydration… or sabertooth tigers or obese racoons, or something.

Sounds like a great idea, fills in a niche in both the market as well as evolutionary development, except the fact that we already have a pretty well-honed mechanism which tells us when we’re dehydrated…. that’s right, it’s called THIRST.

It costs us nothing – granted it required a couple hundred million years to evolve properly but that’s not our concern now – fuck you primordial sludge! – and is easily solved by accessing our several easy-to-get-to sources of water (ie. kitchen sink, fridge, garden hose, you name it)

On the other hand, in case you feel yourself not dependant on technology enough and have some expendable cash, then you’ll definitely need a 45 dollar bottle, an app, and an iPhone… well played HidrateMe.

While it may seem stupidly expensive and targeted towards moronic hipsters living off their parents’ cash, this product is invaluable when you’re doing arduous work, such as: sitting at a desk, staring at your phone in the park, sitting on a yoga mat while pretending yoga is a sport, tying your shoelaces, standing in front of a grey wall, sitting at a table scrolling through Tumblr, sitting at another table browsing Instagram, sitting on some uncomfortable looking concrete steps with the water bottle out of reach for some reason, or biking, which, let’s face it, you’re probably not going to ever do, you lazy fuck.

HidrateMe has many advantages over regular water bottles. For example, it has a 1 year battery life, while a regular bottle has infinite battery life, since it doesn’t need one. It is BPA free and totally safe, apart from the potential battery acid leaks. It is dishwasher safe, because of course you’ll wash it in a dishwasher instead of doing it by hand, you lazy as shit millennial. It’s leak proof, like all bottles have been since the invention of the bottle. But most importantly, people have payed HALF a MILLION DOLLARS for this crap to exist!!!



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